“The most common way people give up their power
is by thinking they don’t have any.”
As soon as The Guyz started talking to people, they talked about the concept of there being 3 You-s. They introduced the idea that we may not be who we think we are when we refer to ourselves as “I”. We tend to think of ourselves as one consciousness and of one mind. Not so.
The 3 You-s they refer to are:
The Kid, The Adult, and You as your Soul.
The ability to be conscious of which “You” is in charge can make it so much easier dealing with the most mundane to the most complicated things in your life.
This one concept can clear up so many confusions. For example, when I say “I Want”, there is an enormous unconscious burden to be consistent and of one mind on that wanting. But if there are 3 me-s, then there can be at least 3 different opinions.
What I might want in an Adult state of mind is likely to be very different from what I want in a Kid state of mind…but, even if what the Kid and Adult want happens to want the same thing, each would want it for quite different reasons. And what I as my Soul, want… which by the way, trumps everything… might be very different entirely.
In The Transition we can know there are 3 different consciousnesses operating and make decisions accordingly. Understanding the difference between how an Adult thinks and how a Kid thinks, provides clues as to who is actually doing the thinking in any given moment or situation.
The first thing to understand is this:
A child’s safety, security and survival is dependent on the goodwill of others. That means that everything a child gets or doesn’t get, has or gets to have, or gets to keep…everything from a cookie to a child’s very life…is dependent on having the goodwill of whomever has power over them. They cannot survive without it.
EVERY child deeply knows this. They know they have NO power and must have goodwill from others. Period.
Because of that profound awareness of their powerlessness, children become expert Goodwill Monitors. They monitor for where there is Goodwill and where there isn’t.
The degree to which they monitor depends on the degree to which their caretakers could be trusted. In a home with chaos and unconscious parenting, where they were expected to be “good” and/or deal with the confusion and mayhem of ever-changing rules and expectations, Goodwill Monitoring will likely be constant. If there was also disappointment, betrayal, and confusion, can you see how that could reasonably create a child who is hyper-vigilant in Monitoring?
Understanding how a child is powerless and dependent on the Goodwill of others offers a great start to locating the Adult in any given situation. Grasping the huge amount of power an Adult has by contrast, just from being grown up, fills out the picture.
To help clarify what it means to be an Adult, The Guys would often ask people:
How old are you?
How tall are you?
Do you have a car?
Could you go into a bar and get served alcohol?
Do you have a credit card or money of your own?
All of these questions were framed to give an idea of the power and freedom they have now, as Adults, that they could not have as children.
A core freedom that was stressed repeatedly had to do with the power to leave a situation that isn’t working for them. “Children CAN NOT leave”.
As an example they would say:
“What if you could have picked up the phone, as a child, and called a parent-reassigning-agency and said ‘these parents are not working out for me… I’d like someone else to live with who’s nicer to me, please.’
Or, would you have liked to be able to call a cab to take you to a hotel till you figured out what to do?
Or, how about just leaving and going to live with that aunt or uncle that thought you were wonderful?
If you actually had the power to leave, would you have done it?”
When we’re thinking like/with the Kid, we forget how much power we have over our lives just because we’re grown up. If where we live doesn’t suit us, we can move. If a partner isn’t working out we can leave. If a job isn’t working we can change jobs.
Unless we are INCAPACITATED or INCARCERATED we are not dependent on the goodwill of others for our survival. We do not need any specific person, place or thing for anything. As adults we have the power and resources to find a different person, or a different place, or a different thing, to try to get what we want.
So, once we know we have a Kid as one of the the 3 You-s, we can screen for information that can clarify who is doing the thinking…i.e. language involving safety, security, survival or monitoring for goodwill informs us the what the Kid is thinking. Then we can check for Adult relevance in our current circumstances and proceed more consciously.
More on that at another time.
Have a think about that, if it’s useful. And, if you have questions or thoughts about any of this that you’d like to share with me, please send them to me here: Contact Me